Being Nice

I think that in simplistic terms, there are two types of people who are nice: (1) Lucky chaps who have love all around them and (2) people who are able to let go off the pain that's been inflicted on them.

I JUDGE YOU

I question your ****lity and your ***ious ******ter. A **** is what you are.

Forgetting

I think, in part, I have voluntarily forgotten my teenage years.
Being reminded of it somehow brings a cutting pain I cannot put words to.
The grief associated with it is too sharp and too lasting.
Honestly, I am very sorry.
Sorry to the people I've hurt once, twice, or continuously.
Think I was too confused and had an uncontrollable angst that I myself didn't understand.
Over the years I learnt to control this angst, hoping that it will wither away.
I feel that it is disappearing, somewhat into my past but the tragedy in it is that it brings my memories with it.
I want to apologise, I want to say sorry, but honestly I cannot remember.

Hilarious

Isn't it FREAKIN hilarious that most locals I meet nowadays lack basic manners?

Is it just me or has the whole island adopted the culture that being rude is "cool-ness" and "serious character". No, wait, it's not me. Being rude just makes the person a fuggin pig. And I sincerly apologise for having insulted the pig.

I wish I may

Dear God,

As an act of desperation, am I writing this letter to you.
I've a secret. I've a wish.
Shall I spell it out to you clearly, or do u already know?
I wish I may, I wish I may.
Dear God, do you grant me of my wish?
Small it is to you, big it is to me!
Easy for you to give, difficult for me to achieve.
Oh, I wish I may, I wish I may.

Love always,
The half empty cup

Very happy

I'm feeling incredibly happy. I can't believe I've gotten high distinctions for the past two assignments! Yay for me!

Beh Tahan

Sometimes I really beh tahan ignorant people who act all smart.
It's the dumbest thing anyone can do really....
You force people to dislike you and thus, bully you
and you have no power to do anything about it.

Quackie

Bonjour!

Okay, first and foremost, I actually meant a quickie (blog entry) but just had the urge to put quackie instead - for fun's sake. heh heh...

Anyway, I just had a zoom zoom session of retail therapy to relieve myself of the incredible stress I'm under right now and bought two eye shadows, a foundation, foundation pads - pack of 20 and contact lens cleanser (which I don't really need). Oh well, like I said, it's retail therapy so it's meant to be quite mad.

However the foundation, by Bourjois, I love! It's really a really dry looking mineral foundation but when u apply it, it blends into your skin and looks really good in a jiffy. The plus point is that it smells so nice, so floral... haha... Kk, I reckon I'm going bonkers really soon.

Au Revoir!

Occasionally I come across a piece of filth that had disguised itself as a something worth taking a second look at.
But... a filth's a filth, nothing more. In time, no amount of pretense can cover up that dirty existence.


How can it even claim to know love? Acting all philosophical. That version of love is twarped and it disgusts me.

Oh no~

I can't stop myself!!!!! I re-evaluating my options again!!! SOMEBODY STOP ME

Year 2009

Wow, 2008's over? Hmmm, what resolutions should I make this year?

I'm Back!

Okay, here I am again.
Anw, to make the long story short, I'm going to take my postgraduate diploma in psychology from Monash next year. It's gonna be another two loooooong years ahead of me but I'm feeling pretty positive about this step.
Originally, I had announced that I was gonna take the graduate diploma in Human resources and I even went down to register for the program but... well... I backed out at the last minute. The reason is because I didn't wanna give up on something I am passionate about.
I don't wanna drag my feet to work everyday, working in a job I don't like. I wanna skip all the way to work, and enjoy what it is that I am doing and I can't do that; unless I'm truly doing something I'm passionate about.
I've heard people around me say some real bitter stuff about my choices in life. Things like "her parents got money what, sure she can study all she wants" or "why don't you faster go make some money?" and it really gets to me. True, my parents paid for my degree but I worked to pay for my own expenses and even managed to save some money, keeping in mind that I was gonna further my studies. I only bought clothes during sales and never bought anything for myself that costs more than 30 bucks. You fools don't think I like to spend money? Thing is, I made it. I'm gonna pay for my studies this time. Every cent of that AUD 14,500 for my postgraduate diploma and I'm proud of me. I've got a nice job at NIE as a research assistant and I'll also be tutoring, plus my savings, I can do it.
Actually, although it's not like I'm getting an award here, but I have to say that I'm really really grateful to my family, my best friends (Janice, Junan and Ivy) and Stanley (and his family) for being so understanding about my commitments and being so supportive and encouraging about my academic pursuit all this time. :')

Update

It's been quite some time since I've blogged so here I am, stealing some time away from work to update ya'all :p...

Anw, I'm not taking the graduate diploma in HRM anymore, I've decided to continue to pursue my dream - by taking the postgraduate diploma in psychology. I know, I know, I'm not being fickle here, I'll explain my choice later on when I have time.

Ta now! Will update again soon!

Yayness

Finally I've graduated! :) To all my friends, please meet me soon 'cos I'll be embarking on my post graduate diploma in Human Resource on the 28th of November (and I won't be free again, hehe)!!

Just some food for thought

I'm not for piracy, but I think it's not fair that artists in the entertainment industry should get paid so much. Why should they get a dollar each, for example, from each person who wants a copy of their song? Entertainment is well, just entertainment and singing is just singing. Lots of people can sing well. Even if we get songs for free, artists will still be earning big bucks. I mean, if the masses like the artist, he or she will have enormous marketability. They still earn a nice sum outta commercials, song rights for product endorsements, holding concerts and etc. The bottom line is that their pay cheques are just not justifiable. I seriously think that entertainment artists of today are as overpaid as the wall street bankers. My opinion is that in the future, this is gonna change.

Yay for Barack Obama

I must say that I have high hopes for Barack Obama. It's not 'cos I'm been overwhelmed by his suave-ness or that I want to be able to claim to be living in the period in time when the first African American president came to seat. It's not just that. These may be one of the more superficial things a person could look at when it comes to electing a president. But I support him 'cos Obama is a symbol of what the world needs today. He is a symbol of change. A much needed change that the whole world needs in order to restore faith and hope especially in times like this. McCain is also good actually, but in terms of brains, there's surely no lack of that in America, I'm sure. But charisma, compassion, the ability to command attention and make us believe and move hearts - that's just 1 in a billion.

The Bailout

While everyone awaits in bated breath.

stupid formats

I hate the academic world. Why must there be stupid formats like having to stick to Times New Roman, font 12 as the accurate academic format throughout the entire paper? As one valid point, Times New Roman is not an interesting font to look at. There are more interesting fonts (e.g. Trebuchet, Courier and etc.) which when alternated occasionally to create an interesting mix, can entertain our right brain while my left brain is working hard at doing our homework. Do you know how bloody bored my right brain is? It's practically on the verge of revolting! Why must there always be a standard????? Who set those idiot standards anyway?!?! Furthermore, it's not like the reader will be unable to read if the font is anything other than Times! Pfftt!

Living Death

When I am asleep

.

The day is clouded with a dirty grey.

I am running,

but I am not moving.

The lanes are empty and silent.

Yet ghosts occupy every corner.

I am screaming,

but my lips remain silent.

.

.

.

When I am awake

.

No wind blows through my hair.
I see it not,
I feel it not.
No leaves rustle as they fall to the ground.
I see it not,
I hear it not.
You lay your eyes on me,
but you see me not,
you feel me not,'
you hear me not.

Nobody gets away with murder

Dear Sir/Madam,

My last call to Starhub's customer care hotline left me greatly disturbed. I made a call around 12 noon today (22/9/08) to ask about the modem (under my mother's name) in my house which I initially believed to be spoilt. Upon realising that it was okay, I diverted my attention to the reward points in which the customer svc officer repeatedly mentioned that my family had.

Startled and curious as to why he knew the details of my family so clearly when I had not provided him with any starhub number (since my calling number is an M1 number) nor my house address (or any other form of identification apart from my name), I asked him how was it possible that he knew so many details. I do not know if it would be fair to say that he explained in a very confusing manner, but I did not understand what he was saying at all, despite his repeated attempts at trying to enlighten me. His explanation was that my mother had provided this number for starhub. But I ,obviously knowing my mother, knew this was not possible. (Thinking about it now, I realise that my M1 number must have been registered on the many times that I have called Starhub on behalf of mother.)

To my shock, when I said that my mother wouldn't have done such a thing, his exact words were, "You go and ask your mother, okay?"; "I've repeated to you twice and you don't understand"; "if you work in Starhub you will know". Furthermore, in a very condescending manner. To my shock, he even raised his voice! Should Starhub possess a recording of our conversation, you will find that I have not exaggerated even the slightest bit.

Greatly upset at this treatment, I told him that I found his tone very hostile and hastily asked to end the conversation. I do not wish to provide a name, and neither did I ask for one as I believe providing quality customer service is not the result or responsibility of just one person.

However, I must add that this might be a rare case and I have often experienced excellent customer svc from officers like Wesley (not sure if it is spelt correctly) who was polite, very helpful and persistent when I enquired about some of Starhub's mobile services.

I hope that Starhub's customer service department can take today's incident seriously and convey to the customer service officers that quality service or at least basic respect and courtesy towards customers is of utmost importance.

Sincerely,
Jinglin
9xxx xxxx

Really bad customer service

I just experienced the worst customer service ever when I called the Starhub hotline to clarify some wireless stuff. The asshole literally talked down to me and asked me to ask my mother! WTF! I literally trembled with rage. I've never ever met such an asshole b4 in my entire life.

Cosmetics

Some girls arh, dammmmmmm funny one.

By right, they should be very pretty (w/o make up).

But instead of further enhancing themselves with some cosmetics, they uglify themselves by slapping on lots of unsuitable make up.

The result: RU HUA (from Jacky Wu's shows) (T_T")

Lesson of the day is that if you're not well - versed in the art of make up, den stick by the general rule: the lesser the better.

Just use a little bit of everything. DON'T slap it on like there's no tomorrow!!

Be Safe NOT Sorry!!!!!!!!

I need your opinion

For ages, I've been mulling over the decision of whether or not to take a masters in human resource.
I've thought about the pros and the cons and talked to my parents about it.
Did lots of research in the area, asked around and even intern-ed in the hr dept of an MNC.
So far, I feel that I'm on the right path.
But somehow it bugs me that whenever I tell ppl my plans, they'll go, "More Study?" and their eyes will somehow buldge out of their sockets (not too discretely).
Well, if you don't know me yet, I'm gonna graduate w a Bsc Psych in a couple of months and I intend to take a GradDip in HR that bridges me to the Masters.
Am I taking things too quickly?
What say you?

Gross! ! !

I was surfing the youtube one day, procrastinating on my project as usual, when I stumbled upon one of Steven Lim's (the eye-brow trimmer, idol wannabe, XX's "hotdate" in hell) many videos.
OMG.
Let me divulge the fact that he is THE most effective vomit inducer of all time!
For one, his face I already SIBEI buay ta han. But plus the puke that was coming out of his mouth and his totally-dunnoe-his-shit body language = TOXIC.
You know, I met this worm a couple of years back when he was already half infamous for his bloody gross attention seeking videos. I was waiting for someone at paragon when he suddenly came up to me and said (in the exact words), "Excuse me, can I trim your eyebrows? I am the famous star from the so and so idol in channel U".

Obviously alarmed at the prospect of having a (burly and unkept) man touch my eyebrows (in public no less), I shook my head and backed off. Yet, he actually thought that I missed out on the "famous" part and repeated it to me again, only louder. I shook my head politely and gave him a prim smile as I declined. To my disbelief, he sighed in my face (and I was bloody unlucky enough to be inhaling at that exact moment. FYI, ya, his breath stank.) and frowned as he shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.
Geez, this man is truly a low class nut case.

My advice to you if u see this man: RUN AWAY in the opposite direction

Prison Break

After watching a couple of seasons at one go, I've come to a conclusion:

There's no such thing as an evil person.

But there are weak and cowardly ones.

Whiners

The problems with whiners, is that they tend to compare the living standards of the industrious with their own which obviously results in some discrepancy. However, they failed to compare the amt of hard work the industrious put into achieving this standard.

It can be illustrated by a simplified math equation:

Hard Work x EQ x Luck = Success.

Figure out which part is missing in your own equation, work on it and quit whining.

Super Pissed!

More often than not, it doesn't pay to be nice.
Sometimes I do suppose, that these people defecate their brain matter and what's left in their head is the smelly stuff.
So YEAH, you and your damm ideas STINK!

Sheesh!

Just now, I went to youtube and saw a couple of videos that made me REALLY mad. I've this thing. I get very irritated when people criticise the Singapore government for absolutely no rhyme nor reason. My questions to these people are: "Can you do a better job?. Are you even capable to take over the reins of Singapore? Yeah? Right now?" Singapore is increasingly filled with people of greater knowledge and various expertise and Singapore citizens are not as docile as one may imagine. In fact, a better way to describe us is as a generation of spoilt, educated children who know what they want. And providing what we want to us, is not such an easy job. I mean, let's be fair. Haven't most of us been overseas? Can't you just compare for yourself?

Help? Anyone?

Sometimes, you just have the feeling of being stranded in the middle of chaos.
Too many distractions.
Too many choices.
Too much static.
Too much nonsense.
Yet,
No clue.
No guidance.
No direction.
No sensory mufflers.
I feel like I'm walking in circles at the same spot.
Can someone kindly point me the way out please?

Go Away

Some things just don't go away,
no matter how I wish it to.
Some memories just can't be erased over time,
no matter how I try to forget.
Everyone has a story to tell,
of pain, betrayal and despair.
Every story is made of memories;
formed by the truth of the past,
mixed with fabrications of the turbulent mind.
I wish some memories would just go away,
become a fragment of a forgotten past and
become a dusty, forsaken story.

New Curtin Campus

I'm pretty much excited about Curtin coming to Singapore as I have always intended to take their post graduate degree. However, I'm a little disenchanted by the lack of information that's provided about its programs at this point in time; since it's estimated to start its student intake by the end of this year. Sure hope they update their website soon. Check it out @ http://www.navitasworld.com/csing/ui/list.php

A Promise to Myself

Today, I made an important promise to myself:

To never make life difficult for me again.

And I will hereby live and breathe by this rule.

This promise, is a complex one which involves much dedication, careful thinking and endurance.

To always think about the consequences and rewards about my actions and speech.

Think twice! Life is never about just you!

Come on! Do you seriously need a kick in the head?

I was at the JE library's cafe corner today when I met this weirdest couple. When I first sat down, this girl was whining to her boyfriend about wanting a piece of cake and her boyfriend nicely told her to be purpose driven, meaning: "You want the cake? Then go get it."

But the girl went, "but I'm not hungry............ Do you think I should get the cake.................?"

So naturally the bf went,"aiya, you want the cake right? Just buy lar. It's simple. You want to eat, then buy the cake okay?"

STILL the girl continued whining about not feeling hungry and wanting advice on whether or not she should have the cake. Frankly, the whining was starting to sound non - human, being super high pitched and draggy (if I wasn't evesdropping, I would have thought it was a wounded dog). By then, I was already starting to bristle 'cos it was sooooo irritating I couldn't study at all but the bf still tried to reason with her nicely. I even silently saluted him for his tolerance.

Then suddenly, outta nowhere, the boyfriend whispered angrily "you bi***, go and die lar!" (huh??!!??) And the girl bursts into tears.

"But actually I'm hungry............................... Can you buy for me......................?" whimpers the girl again.

"You stupid f***, go buy yourself okay? Is it so difficult? What's your problem?"

"But I don't dare to buy..... I also dunnoe why...... You don't love me.... I don't want you already...."

"You wanna break up isit? Is it what you want? No right? Then shut the f*** up! B****!"

After the girl crumples into a heap on the table and sobs quietly, they both leave.

Huh? Mid - day opera performance arH? And talk about being out of context! All the vulgarities the guy spewed out was really colourful and needless to say, unnecessary .. Guess under the stress of exposure to melodramatic girls, even seemingly nice guys can turn to mad men.... Makes one wonder who's the weirder of the two. Plus, I don't know why, but I somehow blame those Idol drama series (ow xiang ju) for melodramatic behaviour.

my reality

I've shut down another blog of mine and decided to focus on this one instead. So, these are some of the works I've done on the other blog; which I now place in this blog. =) they were written more than a year ago so most of the feelings are outdated. Nonetheless, enjoy if you will~

Dilemma

Sometimes, I really wonder what direction in life I should take. It’s really quite confusing. I hate not being able to be in control of my life. But life shows no direction and it grows in the steps that you take.
Should I pursue my studies and ideals to the furthest or should my family take centre stage? One choice seems too selfish and the other too selfless.
I wonder if other people feel the same. Perhaps not so much of men as many typical chauvinists decidedly leave the family matters to the women.
Maybe this is so as the route to decide between my paths is nearing. Probably, it will come in another few years time. I only live once and I don’t want to waste it. Living each day as it comes seems too carefree, “responsibility-less” and a little pointless to me. Of course, there are two sides to a coin and anybody is entitled to their own opinion.
I am sure that I’d love my children and I sure as hell don’t want to risk doing what’s best for them. Within my limitations, that is. But like I said, I only live once and I wish to contribute as much as I can to society in general.
Will I regret my choice one day? Tell me, what then should be the focus of my life?


Today

Sometimes I wonder how I should live my life? For love and purity or possesion and deceit. Perhaps it is in fact a burden and not a blessing to be emotionally attachable to people and things, to see with the heart and not the eyes. Or I am possibly colour blind, to see the world in black and white, yet neglect the shades of grey that accompanies it.
Perhaps Stanley is right, I am the type in which a man might be proud to present as his wife but never his mistress. True, I am not like that. Should I be? I can never be mistress material for it is too hard to share a man.
I've long decided since I was a child to love a single man and belong to him entirely and his entirety to me. How can one live a life to the end and when you've reached the end of the road, you realise that there was no one holding your hand and you were alone, although brave, still alone all along. I hope to never grow old like that.
I feel that the world is full of hurt and deceit. They correspond to one another, like HIV and Aids, a disease that devours us slowly and more so as we try to cover our vulnearability. Shall we lie, just because we've been lied to? Must i cheat your feelings because I have once been cheated?
I do not understand. Is this how the world works? Is it that hard to become beautiful inside as we are outside and so difficult having your heart and mind to synchronise?
Don't we all yearn for true elegance of the human soul.
So many people have touched and entered my life and some have left without good byes. I still think of each and everyone one of them now and then, about how we've met, how we parted, and what we've last said to each other.
22 years is a short but long journey. I am tired as I never forget. But tired as I am, I am still happy as I carry memories of my entire life wherever i go and I feel that there is hardly anyone as immensely loved as I.

The Flower-By Green

"How beautiful I am," so thought the flower
"and love of beauty is forever."
"But heavens forbid, should it ever fade,"
"farewell to life, I would rather bade."
.
Basking high up, in its unfounded glory,
it was so full of itself, it hardly felt sorry.
However, as heaven would have it,
a great storm had hit.
.
To the ground, the flower was swept.
And bitterly it wept.
For it knew its beloved beauty, would wither
under the cruel weather.
.
When it opened its eyes
and glanced again into the skies,
far greater than it, were magnificent trees,
humming with birds and bees.
.
To its surprise, there were many a flower,
that were just as pretty as the former.
"I would have made, many great friends."
"And songs we'd sing with the wind in our hands."
.
"I want to start again!" It cried.
"I would rather not be beautiful," it sighed.
For beyond its petals, it refused to see,
The price to pay was a hefty fee.

Totally Random

i understand now
I finally understand why people get married.
Have you ever been awaken from slumber with a pang of loneliness? Frankly, I do. But all it takes is to turn around , look at your significant other and be reminded that you are immensely loved, and you will fall back to sleep peacefully.
I believe it is the need to fill the empty space in our hearts that make us love, lust, desire and possess. Little wonder then, that soon after marriage, when you truly love, you would want to make many many little versions of the ones you love. A daughter that looks like your mom, a son that looks like your husband/wife or perhaps another son/daughter that looks like you. :D
Again, I wish the world was that simple as well, rite? :(
As my special someone wisely told me, "perhaps it is in the pursuit of other worldly pleasures that people forget life's real purpose and direction."
Hm, how very true it is. I was desperately lost too, I guess. But it's not easy to stay on track, I've still got lots to learn and determination is something I've gotta work on. I hope that all those who read have either found what they really wanted or will find their direction and purpose and not let those side quests 'side-track' you too much as well. (Side quests do not necessarily mean affairs, but things like pursuing too many dreams, scattered idealisms also apply.) No matter how complicated the world seems, it's really the simple rules that matter, don't you think?
But again, I could be too naive. You are obviously granted your own opinion. ;)

Seventeen (A short story)

I sang songs that meant nothing. I don’t even remember where I’ve ever heard them. A cloud had shrouded my mind. Perhaps it’s for the better. I sang louder and louder, sometimes choking back on some angry tears as I lay on my bed. My maid knocked vehemently on the locked door, “Oei, Ah Xing! What are you doing? Very scary, you know!” My throat felt rather sore but I ignored her and stuffed my fingers into my ears, continuing.
My throat wasn’t only sore, it felt dry too. Maybe I should water it. Like a day-old corpse, I got on my feet and walked towards the kitchen. “Ay, what are you doing? Auntie said you’re possessed leh.” My sister probed, looking at me in disgust. I seemed to hear something but I wasn’t sure, so I ignored whatsoever it was. I looked at the half-empty pitcher. “No water.” I mumbled to myself. I returned to my room, got ready some change and left the house. When I got to the coffee shop, I wasn’t surprised to see him there. However, I wasn’t sure whether he was really there or not so I went up to him and slapped him in the face.
Silence...
His face turned red with the mark of my fingers. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” James whispered, clenching his teeth as he spoke. His spit flew, as though in slow motion, onto my face. I smiled, it was him.
I sat myself down and stared at him. “Just here to buy coffee,” I replied nonchalantly, with a smile. Suddenly, I realised that we weren’t alone on that table. That presence touched me. In fact, it literally seized me, and with a shocking force. Then I realised that that presence was Jessica, my best friend.
I snapped out of the dreamy state that served to numb my emotions. Repressed thoughts and feelings emerged like a black writhing soul from my physical body. I pushed Jessica back with all the force I could muster. She fell back and hit her head against the wall. Jumping to his feet, James rushed towards her.
“What are you doing?” He demanded, screeching as he held her in his arms. “Leave us alone, you freak! Someone call an ambulance!”
“You deserve this, James! You deserve this! You love me! Not her! No, she deserves to die, you know? She betrayed me. MY BEST FRIEND AND MY LOVER! TOGETHER?”
“What is wrong with you?” James bawled as he tried to awaken the unconscious Jessica. “Oh my god, she’s not responding! SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE!”
“I trusted the both of you. You said you’ll love me forever. What’s forever? Is it a lie you use to cheat your victims? Huh? Why are you crying now? Do you feel remorse for your actions? Are you afraid she’ll die?”
James buried his head into his hands as he broke down into uncontrollable sobs.
I couldn’t help but feel victorious. Finally, I’ve gotten back at him. Look at all these people, staring at us. They’ll know what a jerk he is. They’ll know what he did to me. They deserve to know that trash like him exists. Let them condemn him; judge him for what he really is.
I stared at him. He’s so vulnerable. Just like when I first saw him. No, wait, that’s an act. He acts very well. He always makes people feel sorry for him and when they do, they’ll be at his mercy. But, I love him, don’t I? I do. Maybe I can forgive him if he gives her up and comes back to me.
“Okay, James. I’ll forgive you on one condition- that you’ll leave her forever. If you do so, I might come back to you. ”
He stared at me, cold and straight. I felt his icy glare cut into my heart.
“I am not James. Neither do I know who the fuck he is.”
“What?” I nearly laughed out loud at this lousy attempt to conceal his identity. “This is fresh. Come up with a better excuse.”
The gaze never once withered; not even as he helped the paramedics carry Jessica into the ambulance.
“Neither is she Jessica,” he muttered, before going onto the ambulance which sped off to the hospital.
“Outrageous! The audacity of him! Thank goodness I’ve left him for good.” I explained in a casual fashion to the crowd, who had begun to look at me curiously. Two policemen walked up to me and tried to handcuff me.
“Come on Jessica, we’ve got to bring you back. James’s dead already. You won’t find him here anymore.”The older policeman, who seemed to look a little familiar, gently took me by the arm. “This is Jessica, the 27-year-old woman in this neighbourhood, whom I’ve been telling you about.” He introduced me to the younger policeman who eyed my suspiciously.
“But she looks normal,” the young man said.
“They all do.” The older one murmured as he led me to the police car.
Perplexed, I struggled to break free. “I’m not Jessica! You guys are nuts! Stop talking like I’m some weirdo!”
Both man looked at me with sympathy. “It’s not your fault Jessica, it’s been ten years. Let it go. James’s gone. So is Ah Xing. I’ve called your mother; she should be here any moment. After what you’ve done today, you’ll be spending a lot more time in IMH again.”
I saw my mother’s vexed face approaching us out of the corner of my eyes. “Jessie, it’s long over. It’s been TEN YEARS. At that time, as all of you were still young, love seemed like the first priority. Both James and you made that decision to start a relationship even though James was still attached to Ah Xing. I know you feel guilty about both James and Ah Xing but like I always say, it’s over! Just let it go!”
She paused and looked at me. Tears were starting to brim at the corners of her eyes. This scene seems all so familiar but I looked back at her, emotionless. There was an irritating humming sound that had started coming from the back of my head. I concentrated on ignoring it.
“Because James knew how you felt about him, he broke up with Ah Xing to be with you. Ah Xing couldn’t take it. So, she tried to kill all three of you, remember? You barely survived as well. Please, stop this,” my mother pleaded. She clutched both my hands tightly while holding back more tears. “You can’t dwell in the age of seventeen forever, Jessica.”
I was suddenly infuriated. I felt the flaming anger rush out of my chest. “Jessica, Jessica, Jessica! How many times must I tell you people to call me Ah Xing! AH XING! NOT JESSICA!” I screamed, as I struggled to break free from their grasp.
Then, I heard music playing in my head. It sounded better than what I was listening to here. I listened to it harder, as it grew louder and I sang along with it. I felt better, much better. So, I swayed vivaciously to the rhythm. The policemen shook their heads and lead me onto the car. That didn’t bother me at all. I just sang along with it. Even though I didn’t understand what I was singing.

F***

I'm sick of this bullshit
sick of being nice
sick of being quiet
sick of you and your old fashioned views

Don't ever think that I've changed
Inside I'm still the same
I'm just gritting my teeth
'Cos that the least I can do for you

I'm not yet dormant!
DON'T WAKE UP THE DEVIL I'VE PUT TO SLEEP!

HAIYA

Sometimes I really wanna ask myself: WHY. Force myself to study for what?!? It violates my basic need! Sleep!

Bored, Burnt-out and Bummed

Today's a B day man... Not B for birthday (la), but I've been feel the brunt end of exhausting tuition-ing. Like, from 8.30- 6.30, with plus minus 2 hours break in between, I feel EXHAUSTED. But the marnee's pretty good, no doubt and the kids are sweet. But they are nnnooooiii-sy. I think I might develop larynx cancer. But pls God, I've been good and I love my hair too much.
Nonetheless, a totally uneventful day. So, why am I bummed? Cos my assignment is due round the corner. ROOOAAAARRRRR!!!! WHY do I torture myself? HUH? Always waiting till the last minute? Tsk Tsk (myself).
Anyways, I was reading a local blogger's er... blog, and I realised that that person always talk about IQ and how smart that makes him/her. Does he/she even know what IQ tests are for? They're not tests of how clever you are! (If you once thought that, please change your concept as according to more recent scientific studies.) It's how academically inclined you are and there's of cos there's a positive correlation to academic success, but, if the fella's not studying, why boast about it? Most young Singaporeans are considered rather school-ed and I believe majority of the educated could possess impressive IQ test scores (if they bother to take it in the first place). I mean, what's there to hao lian about? When pple read that blog, I think we interpret the blogger's msg as: "I am ... smart ..." Honestly, it makes me feel as though the person has self-esteem problems.
Most importantly, IQs fluctuate with age... I think a re-test is in order.

Nothing much

Haven't been blogging much, apparently. I didn't know people actually read my random ramblings. Oh well, gotta watch my mouth then. Haha, not that I've done anything wrong.
Btw, have you guys watched the movie, The long road home, if I'm not mistaken. If you haven't, you should! You could, on the tube. It's really really ... erm... sad. In a completely beautiful way. The story is about this young village girl, all of 18 years, falling in love with a young teacher (also barely outta his teens, about 20) that came from the city to teach in the village schoolhouse. The rest is for me to know and you to find out. It's narrated by their son when the old school teacher passes away after being caught in a snowstorm whilst going out collecting donations to build a new and better school for the village.

Oh, the crying is so raw man...Makes you really appreciate your spouse, partner or lover, whatever you fancy calling the owner of your heart. But honestly, you should also catch it cos Zhang Ziyi is both sweet and ridiculously cute in her depiction of a village girl.

The need to be loved seems also to be a strong motivational force. It makes us weak and strong at the same time and is extremely confusing don't you think? Love is a mad mad by-product of evolution. Does us equal good as bad. *shrugs*

Control

Control. It's sin put into a word. How many people are controlling you today? Don't really need to think about your family 'cos their control, you fought against your whole life. So, it's no point to do that again today. Instead, open your mind and then, look around you. Have you ever been brainwashed? Never? You sure? What's your favourite drink, is it healthy for you? Food? Have you ever considered critically thinking about whether what others have been telling you is true? Ever smoked? Taken drugs, drank alcohol, went to a gym, bought ludicrously expensive brands? Why did you do it? Does it improve you? Your life or those around you? Don't tell me. I guess you do it because you like it, don't you? Hmmm, but why? Why would you like something like that? How did you LEARN to like it?

It's sick. The big players, they've always been controlling us and we've never really questioned their control. I wanna stop being a DUMB ASS PAWN

Goodbye

One day, as you are doing the monotonous stuff you usually do, it dawns on you.

It was a big fat lie.

There's no such thing as uniqueness.

Deviation from any pack rules is social suicide.

You might as well have killed it yourself.

They always say that individualism is the route to identification of the self, but it's a bleeding lie.

Why? You ask yourself and one of your hands automatically slaps one side of your face.

Cos' those that thinks of themselves as unique don't like will obviously have differing ideas with you and more than less, they will neither like you nor your ideas.

And those that conform, point their fingers at those that don't, reacting to them like an allergy.

Go to hell individualism, you betrayed yourself.

Conformity can lick arse too. Nobody likes fakers.

ARGHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (edited)

Oh dear, my language! What would happen if my students were to chance upon this? delete delete

The Puppet's Declaration

"Cut my strings my puppet master, for I am drowning. Drowning in the seas of the unknown that beckons and taunts at my sheer inability. Undo my knobs, oh how I fight against it, hate it and despise it! Even though it keeps my wooden body together, I long to be free! Free as a bird, to soar the skies. To get closer to heaven's gates. Do u deprive me of such love? When you gave me life and the love I never dreamed of having? Then award me! I desire choice and freedom!" The ambitious puppet cried.

"Cut your strings and undo you knobs? Puppet, then you are no more. Stay and you shall remain alive for I love you and that is the only reason you survive. I shan't let you drown in your own silliness." He said.

Left behind

Sometimes, when I see the likes of you, I feel coldness clutch my heart. Have we deserted you or left you behind while we scrambled to get ahead? Shut our eyes and pushed the blame? Such irony, despite your empty pockets and frail physique, you sit in the midst of such affluence. Pity these don't fill your stomach old man. I hope there is a God and I hope he helps you. Even though I can only berate my helplessness now, in time, I will be able to do so too.

exams and play and exams and play

Well, exams are round the corner again and I've gotta start working harder. Guess I've gotta aim higher to see better results. Hehe.
Anw, Stanley and I went to St. James last Friday and it was pretty packed. So packed in fact that we couldn't get into Dragonfly~ Hmmm. What a waste. I mean, where else can u find that kinda music? I certainly haven't been to a mandarin-scene-orientated club before. Oh well, St. James ain't going anw so I reckon I'll get to go sometime.
Still, Stanley's boss was there. And the best part was that I got to see her ferrari. Gorgeous (both car and boss) . Ya, Stanley's boss is a her and she's really one of the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. Well, I dun mind growing up to look like her. HAHAHAHA. I wish!
Oh no! So much for aiming high when here I am, day-dreaming again. Hehehe. Cheerios. Back to ma books!

A new start

Love me not/Hate me not

Happy birthday to me

I had a happy birthday this year. The celebration was low key but I really feel... happy. The kind of happiness that doesn't come off as a smile but just sorta melts you. This year, I realise that it's not the amount of presents that you recieve from your friends, but what kind. These presents need not be expensive or aplenty. But there's this sense of satisfaction when u realise the people around you know what you want and really put an effort into choosing what they think you need. How~nice. =) How nice it is to feel remembered in this sea of endless people.

the will to live

i wonder if you've ever felt life willinging itself to be freed from your embrace?

the abandonment makes a person so weak that even to stand upright seems like a chore.

till even the most amazing food would taste bland.

perhaps to live itself is a burden, and death is in fact the true liberation.

the only thing that keeps your sanity are the ones you know love u.

life is weak, isn't it?

how strong the person is, is his/her will and purpose to live.

i have found one half of my will and purpose and eagerly await the next

Did u ever think that you've lost something but when you find it again, you realise that you've nv really lost it? I have. And I wonder why my heart feels hot and cold at the same time.
Perhaps to learn the hard way is better to have nv learnt at all. The world seems more clear and beautiful that way.
Perhaps to be immensely loved, would make u love all in return.
---
I will learn to be better and I am finding my road to bliss one step at a time but I cannot do it without you, hand in hand.
If I cannot say sorry,
THANK YOU for the ears that listen to my shit.
THANK YOU for the hugs when I lose control.

THANK YOU for the breath that whisper comfort to my sleepless nights

THANK YOU for the gaze that remains watchful in my sleep.
THANK YOU for the lips that remain silent at my brutal words.

THANK YOU for the big heart that empties unto me.

Mostly, I really want to thank you for being mine.

---

I wonder if to be too content would ever make u afraid that it will not last. I don't want to be afraid.

Thank you

I've decidedly not written about Part II of Lisa and bf. If you guys are interested in the story, well, maybe one day, when i'm in the mood, only would I continue... haha..

/

I've been reading my darlin's blog. As in REALLY read every single entry as I am experiencing insomnia at this v. moment. Well, so after abit of arguement with my lazy alter ego, got down to actually feeding my own blog. *rolls eyes*

/

I found this written on his blog (which I've absolutely forgotten):

Specially For Juliet,
I had been helplessly falling in love for you, there's nothing much I can do though, but somehow I had enjoyed the whole process. It had taught me many things that I'm not aware off last time. Although you are not mine, but I'm still happy for you to have found and be with the best. At times when I'm weak, it tears my heart and I'm really sorry to have that shown, but I really didn't mean to. Your smile has never fails to make my day, and your presence has always given me strength. I wanna say a very BIG BIG BIG Thank You, as you had make a lot of dreams come true for me. Lastly & Most Importantly, I Love You~!
Posted by Stanley @ 11:45 AM (Nov 2004)

/

Ain't he the sweetest? heez... i totally adore him...

It was written when we weren't together yet... You know, it wasn't easy for us coming together(as a couple, u perv). In fact, it was a hard and trying time. But i'm sure i did not make the wrong decision for I am truly the happiest and most contented woman compared to, well, everyone else i know. (at least I think so, which is good enough) Thus I wish to tell him something as well:

Specially For Stanley

I didn't plan on falling in love with you, but there was nothing I could do as well and somehow, I too enjoyed the whole process. YOU were the one who really taught me the many things I was unaware of. Now that I am yours, I am happy to have found and be with the best. At those times when I am weak+irritating, I'm sorry that I showed it to you and this tears my heart for I would never intentionally hurt you. Without you, I am not strong and YOUR smile makes me feel like I have truly accomplished something great. I too, want to say a BIG BIG BIG BIG Thank You for you ARE a dream come true. Lastly & Most Importantly, I Love You too~!

Posted by Juliet @ 03:23 AM (Jan 2006)