my reality

I've shut down another blog of mine and decided to focus on this one instead. So, these are some of the works I've done on the other blog; which I now place in this blog. =) they were written more than a year ago so most of the feelings are outdated. Nonetheless, enjoy if you will~

Dilemma

Sometimes, I really wonder what direction in life I should take. It’s really quite confusing. I hate not being able to be in control of my life. But life shows no direction and it grows in the steps that you take.
Should I pursue my studies and ideals to the furthest or should my family take centre stage? One choice seems too selfish and the other too selfless.
I wonder if other people feel the same. Perhaps not so much of men as many typical chauvinists decidedly leave the family matters to the women.
Maybe this is so as the route to decide between my paths is nearing. Probably, it will come in another few years time. I only live once and I don’t want to waste it. Living each day as it comes seems too carefree, “responsibility-less” and a little pointless to me. Of course, there are two sides to a coin and anybody is entitled to their own opinion.
I am sure that I’d love my children and I sure as hell don’t want to risk doing what’s best for them. Within my limitations, that is. But like I said, I only live once and I wish to contribute as much as I can to society in general.
Will I regret my choice one day? Tell me, what then should be the focus of my life?


Today

Sometimes I wonder how I should live my life? For love and purity or possesion and deceit. Perhaps it is in fact a burden and not a blessing to be emotionally attachable to people and things, to see with the heart and not the eyes. Or I am possibly colour blind, to see the world in black and white, yet neglect the shades of grey that accompanies it.
Perhaps Stanley is right, I am the type in which a man might be proud to present as his wife but never his mistress. True, I am not like that. Should I be? I can never be mistress material for it is too hard to share a man.
I've long decided since I was a child to love a single man and belong to him entirely and his entirety to me. How can one live a life to the end and when you've reached the end of the road, you realise that there was no one holding your hand and you were alone, although brave, still alone all along. I hope to never grow old like that.
I feel that the world is full of hurt and deceit. They correspond to one another, like HIV and Aids, a disease that devours us slowly and more so as we try to cover our vulnearability. Shall we lie, just because we've been lied to? Must i cheat your feelings because I have once been cheated?
I do not understand. Is this how the world works? Is it that hard to become beautiful inside as we are outside and so difficult having your heart and mind to synchronise?
Don't we all yearn for true elegance of the human soul.
So many people have touched and entered my life and some have left without good byes. I still think of each and everyone one of them now and then, about how we've met, how we parted, and what we've last said to each other.
22 years is a short but long journey. I am tired as I never forget. But tired as I am, I am still happy as I carry memories of my entire life wherever i go and I feel that there is hardly anyone as immensely loved as I.

The Flower-By Green

"How beautiful I am," so thought the flower
"and love of beauty is forever."
"But heavens forbid, should it ever fade,"
"farewell to life, I would rather bade."
.
Basking high up, in its unfounded glory,
it was so full of itself, it hardly felt sorry.
However, as heaven would have it,
a great storm had hit.
.
To the ground, the flower was swept.
And bitterly it wept.
For it knew its beloved beauty, would wither
under the cruel weather.
.
When it opened its eyes
and glanced again into the skies,
far greater than it, were magnificent trees,
humming with birds and bees.
.
To its surprise, there were many a flower,
that were just as pretty as the former.
"I would have made, many great friends."
"And songs we'd sing with the wind in our hands."
.
"I want to start again!" It cried.
"I would rather not be beautiful," it sighed.
For beyond its petals, it refused to see,
The price to pay was a hefty fee.

Totally Random

i understand now
I finally understand why people get married.
Have you ever been awaken from slumber with a pang of loneliness? Frankly, I do. But all it takes is to turn around , look at your significant other and be reminded that you are immensely loved, and you will fall back to sleep peacefully.
I believe it is the need to fill the empty space in our hearts that make us love, lust, desire and possess. Little wonder then, that soon after marriage, when you truly love, you would want to make many many little versions of the ones you love. A daughter that looks like your mom, a son that looks like your husband/wife or perhaps another son/daughter that looks like you. :D
Again, I wish the world was that simple as well, rite? :(
As my special someone wisely told me, "perhaps it is in the pursuit of other worldly pleasures that people forget life's real purpose and direction."
Hm, how very true it is. I was desperately lost too, I guess. But it's not easy to stay on track, I've still got lots to learn and determination is something I've gotta work on. I hope that all those who read have either found what they really wanted or will find their direction and purpose and not let those side quests 'side-track' you too much as well. (Side quests do not necessarily mean affairs, but things like pursuing too many dreams, scattered idealisms also apply.) No matter how complicated the world seems, it's really the simple rules that matter, don't you think?
But again, I could be too naive. You are obviously granted your own opinion. ;)