Come on! Do you seriously need a kick in the head?

I was at the JE library's cafe corner today when I met this weirdest couple. When I first sat down, this girl was whining to her boyfriend about wanting a piece of cake and her boyfriend nicely told her to be purpose driven, meaning: "You want the cake? Then go get it."

But the girl went, "but I'm not hungry............ Do you think I should get the cake.................?"

So naturally the bf went,"aiya, you want the cake right? Just buy lar. It's simple. You want to eat, then buy the cake okay?"

STILL the girl continued whining about not feeling hungry and wanting advice on whether or not she should have the cake. Frankly, the whining was starting to sound non - human, being super high pitched and draggy (if I wasn't evesdropping, I would have thought it was a wounded dog). By then, I was already starting to bristle 'cos it was sooooo irritating I couldn't study at all but the bf still tried to reason with her nicely. I even silently saluted him for his tolerance.

Then suddenly, outta nowhere, the boyfriend whispered angrily "you bi***, go and die lar!" (huh??!!??) And the girl bursts into tears.

"But actually I'm hungry............................... Can you buy for me......................?" whimpers the girl again.

"You stupid f***, go buy yourself okay? Is it so difficult? What's your problem?"

"But I don't dare to buy..... I also dunnoe why...... You don't love me.... I don't want you already...."

"You wanna break up isit? Is it what you want? No right? Then shut the f*** up! B****!"

After the girl crumples into a heap on the table and sobs quietly, they both leave.

Huh? Mid - day opera performance arH? And talk about being out of context! All the vulgarities the guy spewed out was really colourful and needless to say, unnecessary .. Guess under the stress of exposure to melodramatic girls, even seemingly nice guys can turn to mad men.... Makes one wonder who's the weirder of the two. Plus, I don't know why, but I somehow blame those Idol drama series (ow xiang ju) for melodramatic behaviour.

my reality

I've shut down another blog of mine and decided to focus on this one instead. So, these are some of the works I've done on the other blog; which I now place in this blog. =) they were written more than a year ago so most of the feelings are outdated. Nonetheless, enjoy if you will~

Dilemma

Sometimes, I really wonder what direction in life I should take. It’s really quite confusing. I hate not being able to be in control of my life. But life shows no direction and it grows in the steps that you take.
Should I pursue my studies and ideals to the furthest or should my family take centre stage? One choice seems too selfish and the other too selfless.
I wonder if other people feel the same. Perhaps not so much of men as many typical chauvinists decidedly leave the family matters to the women.
Maybe this is so as the route to decide between my paths is nearing. Probably, it will come in another few years time. I only live once and I don’t want to waste it. Living each day as it comes seems too carefree, “responsibility-less” and a little pointless to me. Of course, there are two sides to a coin and anybody is entitled to their own opinion.
I am sure that I’d love my children and I sure as hell don’t want to risk doing what’s best for them. Within my limitations, that is. But like I said, I only live once and I wish to contribute as much as I can to society in general.
Will I regret my choice one day? Tell me, what then should be the focus of my life?


Today

Sometimes I wonder how I should live my life? For love and purity or possesion and deceit. Perhaps it is in fact a burden and not a blessing to be emotionally attachable to people and things, to see with the heart and not the eyes. Or I am possibly colour blind, to see the world in black and white, yet neglect the shades of grey that accompanies it.
Perhaps Stanley is right, I am the type in which a man might be proud to present as his wife but never his mistress. True, I am not like that. Should I be? I can never be mistress material for it is too hard to share a man.
I've long decided since I was a child to love a single man and belong to him entirely and his entirety to me. How can one live a life to the end and when you've reached the end of the road, you realise that there was no one holding your hand and you were alone, although brave, still alone all along. I hope to never grow old like that.
I feel that the world is full of hurt and deceit. They correspond to one another, like HIV and Aids, a disease that devours us slowly and more so as we try to cover our vulnearability. Shall we lie, just because we've been lied to? Must i cheat your feelings because I have once been cheated?
I do not understand. Is this how the world works? Is it that hard to become beautiful inside as we are outside and so difficult having your heart and mind to synchronise?
Don't we all yearn for true elegance of the human soul.
So many people have touched and entered my life and some have left without good byes. I still think of each and everyone one of them now and then, about how we've met, how we parted, and what we've last said to each other.
22 years is a short but long journey. I am tired as I never forget. But tired as I am, I am still happy as I carry memories of my entire life wherever i go and I feel that there is hardly anyone as immensely loved as I.

The Flower-By Green

"How beautiful I am," so thought the flower
"and love of beauty is forever."
"But heavens forbid, should it ever fade,"
"farewell to life, I would rather bade."
.
Basking high up, in its unfounded glory,
it was so full of itself, it hardly felt sorry.
However, as heaven would have it,
a great storm had hit.
.
To the ground, the flower was swept.
And bitterly it wept.
For it knew its beloved beauty, would wither
under the cruel weather.
.
When it opened its eyes
and glanced again into the skies,
far greater than it, were magnificent trees,
humming with birds and bees.
.
To its surprise, there were many a flower,
that were just as pretty as the former.
"I would have made, many great friends."
"And songs we'd sing with the wind in our hands."
.
"I want to start again!" It cried.
"I would rather not be beautiful," it sighed.
For beyond its petals, it refused to see,
The price to pay was a hefty fee.

Totally Random

i understand now
I finally understand why people get married.
Have you ever been awaken from slumber with a pang of loneliness? Frankly, I do. But all it takes is to turn around , look at your significant other and be reminded that you are immensely loved, and you will fall back to sleep peacefully.
I believe it is the need to fill the empty space in our hearts that make us love, lust, desire and possess. Little wonder then, that soon after marriage, when you truly love, you would want to make many many little versions of the ones you love. A daughter that looks like your mom, a son that looks like your husband/wife or perhaps another son/daughter that looks like you. :D
Again, I wish the world was that simple as well, rite? :(
As my special someone wisely told me, "perhaps it is in the pursuit of other worldly pleasures that people forget life's real purpose and direction."
Hm, how very true it is. I was desperately lost too, I guess. But it's not easy to stay on track, I've still got lots to learn and determination is something I've gotta work on. I hope that all those who read have either found what they really wanted or will find their direction and purpose and not let those side quests 'side-track' you too much as well. (Side quests do not necessarily mean affairs, but things like pursuing too many dreams, scattered idealisms also apply.) No matter how complicated the world seems, it's really the simple rules that matter, don't you think?
But again, I could be too naive. You are obviously granted your own opinion. ;)

Seventeen (A short story)

I sang songs that meant nothing. I don’t even remember where I’ve ever heard them. A cloud had shrouded my mind. Perhaps it’s for the better. I sang louder and louder, sometimes choking back on some angry tears as I lay on my bed. My maid knocked vehemently on the locked door, “Oei, Ah Xing! What are you doing? Very scary, you know!” My throat felt rather sore but I ignored her and stuffed my fingers into my ears, continuing.
My throat wasn’t only sore, it felt dry too. Maybe I should water it. Like a day-old corpse, I got on my feet and walked towards the kitchen. “Ay, what are you doing? Auntie said you’re possessed leh.” My sister probed, looking at me in disgust. I seemed to hear something but I wasn’t sure, so I ignored whatsoever it was. I looked at the half-empty pitcher. “No water.” I mumbled to myself. I returned to my room, got ready some change and left the house. When I got to the coffee shop, I wasn’t surprised to see him there. However, I wasn’t sure whether he was really there or not so I went up to him and slapped him in the face.
Silence...
His face turned red with the mark of my fingers. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” James whispered, clenching his teeth as he spoke. His spit flew, as though in slow motion, onto my face. I smiled, it was him.
I sat myself down and stared at him. “Just here to buy coffee,” I replied nonchalantly, with a smile. Suddenly, I realised that we weren’t alone on that table. That presence touched me. In fact, it literally seized me, and with a shocking force. Then I realised that that presence was Jessica, my best friend.
I snapped out of the dreamy state that served to numb my emotions. Repressed thoughts and feelings emerged like a black writhing soul from my physical body. I pushed Jessica back with all the force I could muster. She fell back and hit her head against the wall. Jumping to his feet, James rushed towards her.
“What are you doing?” He demanded, screeching as he held her in his arms. “Leave us alone, you freak! Someone call an ambulance!”
“You deserve this, James! You deserve this! You love me! Not her! No, she deserves to die, you know? She betrayed me. MY BEST FRIEND AND MY LOVER! TOGETHER?”
“What is wrong with you?” James bawled as he tried to awaken the unconscious Jessica. “Oh my god, she’s not responding! SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE!”
“I trusted the both of you. You said you’ll love me forever. What’s forever? Is it a lie you use to cheat your victims? Huh? Why are you crying now? Do you feel remorse for your actions? Are you afraid she’ll die?”
James buried his head into his hands as he broke down into uncontrollable sobs.
I couldn’t help but feel victorious. Finally, I’ve gotten back at him. Look at all these people, staring at us. They’ll know what a jerk he is. They’ll know what he did to me. They deserve to know that trash like him exists. Let them condemn him; judge him for what he really is.
I stared at him. He’s so vulnerable. Just like when I first saw him. No, wait, that’s an act. He acts very well. He always makes people feel sorry for him and when they do, they’ll be at his mercy. But, I love him, don’t I? I do. Maybe I can forgive him if he gives her up and comes back to me.
“Okay, James. I’ll forgive you on one condition- that you’ll leave her forever. If you do so, I might come back to you. ”
He stared at me, cold and straight. I felt his icy glare cut into my heart.
“I am not James. Neither do I know who the fuck he is.”
“What?” I nearly laughed out loud at this lousy attempt to conceal his identity. “This is fresh. Come up with a better excuse.”
The gaze never once withered; not even as he helped the paramedics carry Jessica into the ambulance.
“Neither is she Jessica,” he muttered, before going onto the ambulance which sped off to the hospital.
“Outrageous! The audacity of him! Thank goodness I’ve left him for good.” I explained in a casual fashion to the crowd, who had begun to look at me curiously. Two policemen walked up to me and tried to handcuff me.
“Come on Jessica, we’ve got to bring you back. James’s dead already. You won’t find him here anymore.”The older policeman, who seemed to look a little familiar, gently took me by the arm. “This is Jessica, the 27-year-old woman in this neighbourhood, whom I’ve been telling you about.” He introduced me to the younger policeman who eyed my suspiciously.
“But she looks normal,” the young man said.
“They all do.” The older one murmured as he led me to the police car.
Perplexed, I struggled to break free. “I’m not Jessica! You guys are nuts! Stop talking like I’m some weirdo!”
Both man looked at me with sympathy. “It’s not your fault Jessica, it’s been ten years. Let it go. James’s gone. So is Ah Xing. I’ve called your mother; she should be here any moment. After what you’ve done today, you’ll be spending a lot more time in IMH again.”
I saw my mother’s vexed face approaching us out of the corner of my eyes. “Jessie, it’s long over. It’s been TEN YEARS. At that time, as all of you were still young, love seemed like the first priority. Both James and you made that decision to start a relationship even though James was still attached to Ah Xing. I know you feel guilty about both James and Ah Xing but like I always say, it’s over! Just let it go!”
She paused and looked at me. Tears were starting to brim at the corners of her eyes. This scene seems all so familiar but I looked back at her, emotionless. There was an irritating humming sound that had started coming from the back of my head. I concentrated on ignoring it.
“Because James knew how you felt about him, he broke up with Ah Xing to be with you. Ah Xing couldn’t take it. So, she tried to kill all three of you, remember? You barely survived as well. Please, stop this,” my mother pleaded. She clutched both my hands tightly while holding back more tears. “You can’t dwell in the age of seventeen forever, Jessica.”
I was suddenly infuriated. I felt the flaming anger rush out of my chest. “Jessica, Jessica, Jessica! How many times must I tell you people to call me Ah Xing! AH XING! NOT JESSICA!” I screamed, as I struggled to break free from their grasp.
Then, I heard music playing in my head. It sounded better than what I was listening to here. I listened to it harder, as it grew louder and I sang along with it. I felt better, much better. So, I swayed vivaciously to the rhythm. The policemen shook their heads and lead me onto the car. That didn’t bother me at all. I just sang along with it. Even though I didn’t understand what I was singing.

F***

I'm sick of this bullshit
sick of being nice
sick of being quiet
sick of you and your old fashioned views

Don't ever think that I've changed
Inside I'm still the same
I'm just gritting my teeth
'Cos that the least I can do for you

I'm not yet dormant!
DON'T WAKE UP THE DEVIL I'VE PUT TO SLEEP!

HAIYA

Sometimes I really wanna ask myself: WHY. Force myself to study for what?!? It violates my basic need! Sleep!